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Letter #0 to him

June 6 – a day before court hearing.

Is it because I’ve “complaint” too much about not receiving any “carta de amor”, now I’m given all the chances to receive and to write… 🙂 It has been 19 months since the incident, every time I think back to that evening, memories are still very vivid. I’ve always wondered, how were you feeling, what were you thinking, is it worth it after all? And then we all realized the consequence is a lot more than the sentence itself, it’s everything in between, 19 months of uncertainty, sometimes there seems to be a little bit of hope, sometimes it feels like the end of the tunnel is close, but the next second, you realize all were just a mirage. It’s what I meant by “losing the freedom to plan and to hope”.


The other thing is about understanding each other. In reality, no matter how empathetic I am (we are), I guess I’ll never really be able to imagine what you have been going through , and vice versa. This is an experience that neither of us have gone through, not even something close to that. Those words “arrest”, “court”, “trial”… are almost like something that’s on the other side of the world … until now. Funny enough we were both so fascinated first time sitting in the lawyer’s office thinking why it feels like Harry Potter library. And because of that, I wouldn’t know how many sleepless nights you might have had, thinking about what’s about to happen, or the environment inside those walls, or what life would be like afterwards.

In contrast, it might be hard for you to think about the level of shock and stress that I’ve been put through, sometimes , having to watch and witness helplessly, is just another form of torture.


Therefore, “being there for each other” seems to be the best that we can do.

And perhaps, have you thought about the impact that i has done, or might do to our relationship? The life you experience inside, the people you meet, feelings you experience…it stresses me out when I found out the communication / visiting policies are worse than some of those “world’s toughest prisons”. I can’t think of anything except faith that will keep us going. Also, the intangible assets (i.e. personal values, knowledge, thoughts, memories, confidence etc) are always the most valuable – do not let them be taken away from you.

And me? The house must feel empty, now that I think carefully, I’ve never really lived alone before. Though I’m sure Latte will keep me pretty busy, so are the letters that you’ve requested. Look forward, look past that few months, sound like a pretty promising mindset – the first step to gaining back the freedom to hope. Meanwhile I’ll make sure to be a responsible “supply coordinator” and do my job!

Siempre estare ahi ❤


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